The Naga #MeToo Moment – A Review of Love. Lust. And Loyalty

 

Author: Yuimi Vashum

Publisher: Penthrill Publication House

Year of publication: 2018

Pages/ Price: 105/ 299/-

It is quite unusual to start a book review on an apologetic note, but I want to put on record that this is a long pending one. But I write this not so much to please the author and publisher, but to bring to fore the subject child sexual abuse, or sexual exploitation in general, which the book so powerfully articulates, and it has too long been silenced in the Naga society, as also in many societies across the world. It was only at a recent launch of the book, The Marys of the Bible: The Original #MeToo Movement by Boaz Johnson cum a panel discussion on sexual exploitation, in Delhi that I got prompted to the immediacy of talking about the subject. The Marys of the Bible argues that the Bible started the #MeToo movement because it does not hide the sexual abuses in the historical/biblical times, and that in fact, Jesus came to redeem the broken people and the world we live in.

The book's title Love. Lust. And Loyalty sums up pretty much what most poets write about. Those three words are what most people juggle with in relationships. But what more appealing to me of this book of poetry is the section on “Forgiveness” that didn't find its way to the title. Divided into two parts, the first section on “Forgiveness” deals with the struggles of the poet in coming to terms with the memory of the menacing past of being sexually abused. The second section on “Love. Lust. And Loyalty” shades light on the poet's encounters of love, heartbreaks and all that most lovers sing of! However, what captivates me is not just that it upsets the usual style of poetry by having the title at the end but also the brutally honest experiences of what poet as a young girl goes through.

Telling one's life story is not an easy task, especially when that part of life is a traumatic one. Yet, narrating them can be a therapeutic experience, as psychologists/psychiatrists would say. In a “bare it all” way, Yuimi confronted the demons that haunted her since the time she was “seven years old”. “It all started with Robinhood / A tiny illustrated book he brought with him that summer” she recounted in the poem “waves of abuse”. As excited as a seven years old would be to be read bedtime stories, she fell into the bait, easily becoming his victim - “He fucked me over and over again / Until he finished the book”. She tells of how for years she would still “have my haunted dark days” and even driven to the brink of life wishing to “jump of a tall building” or “throw myself at a running train” (“childhood to adulthood”). Her pain was even made worse when the society wouldn't come to defend the defenseless - “And parents, aunties, uncles, sirs, madam, / All of them lecturing Your virginity is your virtue / Do they know? Do they think about girls like me?” (“the problem with virtues”).

But the true strength of the poet lies in the fact that she was able to “brave the demons” - “I gave my nightmares a closure fifteen years later; / For my freedom, / From the fear, the beast(s) and society” (“waves of abuse”). The sarcasm on the society's indifference is subtle here. And yet, greater still is the poet's ability to forgive the perpetrators/demons - “Because, Forgiveness, / It liberates you” (“let go and let God”). I think this is the highest virtue one can hope for from victims of abuse of any kind. This is true Christ-likeness. And the largely Christian communities like the Nagas need to take this as a way forward to find healing from the wounds of the past.

Love. Lust. And Loyalty is a daring book of poetry that is utterly honest on the part of the young poet to pour out the trauma of sexual abuse she experienced as a child. It is universally accepted that many children suffer sexual abuse but remained silent because of fear or are usually silenced by elders in the family and the society. Recognizing the need to deal with this issue, the United Nations declared 19th November as the World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse, and 20th November as the International Day for the Rights of the Child. Yet, despite these recognitions many cases go unreported or many children still suffer abuse because they are not aware of their rights, or are silenced, and many people live in denial.

By telling her own story, Yuimi Vashum does not simply fascinates in poetic experiences, but she does set an agenda that the wave of abuses would be confronted:

Today, as I sit here and write this,

Recalling feelings I never wanted to;

I weep for the little children (like me) who suffered,

Alone.

I hope they get to read this,

and in their lowest moments,

I hope they remember-

We moved past the abuse;

We can move past anything.

(“childhood to adulthood”).

I hope Love. Lust. And Loyalty would not just be another book of poetry that is shelved in your collection and forgotten after a while, but that it would spark off the #MeToo movement in the Naga society or the society you find yourself fitted to. Silence make the victims suffer over and over again, and the demons grow bigger and fiercer. Let's stand for those who have been wronged, especially the little ones!

Published on 18 June, 2019, Morung Express

https://morungexpress.com/the-naga-metoo-moment-a-review-of-love-lust-and-loyalty/

Revisiting the Parable of the Good Samaritan

For most of us who have grown up in a ritualistic church going set-up we would be pretty familiar with all the popular stories of the Bible, including the parables of Jesus. We get so used to listening to them as time-pass stories or seeing them staged at occasional religious functions like the nativity scene at Christmas, but that is it. The tragedy for today's ‘modern’ Christians is that we get so familiar with those stories that we fail to apply them to our lives today. After all, isn’t the Bible supposed to be the guidebook for Christians along life’s journey?

The parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10: 25-37) is another story that we often fail to look beyond its mere narrative. But I think it still speaks in volume if we closely follow it. And as I see it, the parable has pointers to who a ‘true’ Christian is. Just a recap of the story in a nutshell: A man traveling to Jericho was robbed and beaten to a point of near-dead; a priest came the same way but walked away from the other side; a Levite also passed by but ignored him and walked away; finally, a Samaritan came along, saw the wounded man and helped him.

If we look at the context, the priest and the Levite were people who have businesses at the Lord’s temple and yet they failed miserably in what they claim to profess (For instance, “Love your neighbor as yourself” [Lev. 19:18]). On the contrary, the one who was supposedly an alien came to the rescue of the unfortunate man. It is important to understand that the Jews at that time despise Samaritans as outcasts and even refer to them at the level of dogs. (One can also infer this from Jesus' discourse with the Samaritan woman [John 4: 1-26]) Perhaps, the Samaritans also treated the Jews likewise. And yet, Jesus did an outrageous thing by presenting the Samaritan as the true ‘neighbour’. Of course, the Bible did not record the reaction of the ‘expert in the law’ or the crowd (including the disciples) present there but it would have been certainly interesting to behold!

Not only did Jesus upheld the Samaritan but he even told his listeners to “Go and do likewise” (v. 37). For Jews it must have been an insult to the injury: first, Jesus projected the Samaritan in the positive light and then told them to make him their role model! I believe Jesus chose the character of the Samaritan deliberately to make a point about the relationship of the Jewish people with other people groups living side by side with them. Jesus commended the act of the Samaritan to imply that we need to look beyond who the person is. The Jews, as we know, considers themselves ‘chosen people’ and therefore thinks highly of themselves.

Now, let us consider the situation of our contemporary society, more specifically of the relationships we share with communities living next to us. Let me take the case of the Naga Christians in Manipur as an example. I don’t think we’re any better than the Jews the way we think ourselves superior to communities living next to us. Religious bigotry is perceivable everywhere. Perhaps, our identity in Christ has not really sunk in to help us think beyond our subjective selves. But if we are to qualify ourselves as followers of Christ then we certainly need to broaden our definition of who our ‘neighbour’ is. If Jesus were to come in our midst today I’m sure he would have used the Kukis or the Meiteis or other people who are not of the same people groups in his parable to teach us a lesson. And as I see it, most conflicts within communities in the state would have been better monitored had churches and Christians looked deeper into the Bible for answers.

The relationship between different communities in the state can turn volatile any time because the old wounds have not really healed. And so, I think we need to be more cautious and act with a clear conscience. And the Word of God can be the light to light our way. Jesus said, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you for this sums up the Law of the Prophets” (Matt. 7: 12). Most rules or laws made by man are normally stated in a negative way, like “Don’t do this…”, “Don’t do that…”, etc. But Jesus instead put it the other way round and tells us to “do to others”, implying a positive attitude towards our relationship with others. Generally, human tendency is to reciprocate to anything done to her/him. Good or bad, most of the time we only respond to the action done on us, and, perhaps, with the same measure precisely. Yet, Jesus instructs his followers with a different philosophy, that is, to be the first in doing good things for others. That way we can be certain nothing negative comes our way!

Jesus’ commandment to His followers implies a rather unusual approach to life altogether. But very seldom do we try and digest what His teaching would mean to us as His followers today. When he says, “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6: 31) Jesus meant that his listeners should not only to be good to those who are good to them but to be good to everyone; not to only love those who love them but to love even their enemies! Such kinds of teaching by Jesus has often been considered ‘hard teaching’ by His own disciples and modern day scholars alike. Perhaps, that is so because Jesus was teaching contrary to the principles of the world!

The worldly principle would persuade us to be good to those who are good to us alone; to be bad to those who are bad to us; to love those who love us only, and likewise. Quite often, our desires seem to have grown to ditto others when it comes to relating with others. Somehow, it seems difficult to initiate but easier to follow suit! Our perspective to life is centered on our own world, so much so that we’ve developed a worldview of displacing the ‘other’. And in a world where ‘individualism’ is being encouraged, there is less and less time to think beyond the ‘self’! The principle that Jesus laid down for His followers is to first picture the ‘other’ before considering the ‘self’. He wants us to know that peace comes from looking into the interest of others. Harmonious co-existence of all living beings on earth entirely hinges on the respect for the opinion or the belief that each one may be contended with. When there is intolerance, hostilities certainly arise.

Jesus said that if we love those who love us only, we’re no different from any other person. In other words, He wants His followers to be different by being more than the worldly-wise; “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35). Here, Jesus was talking about ‘love’ that is without any pre-condition. To remain faithful to the teachings of our Lord today, let us be active in doing what is good because only then can we expect people to reciprocate in a positive way.

The Innocence of a Child

In one of the most profound moments recorded in the Bible, Jesus took the example of children to teach his followers by saying, “I tell you the truth unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom” (Matt 18: 3-4 NIV). In another instance too he invited the little children and blessed them: “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matt 19: 14 NIV). Though Jesus made it very explicit that the likeness of a child is a quality that we must cultivate I have often wondered what must be in a child that made Jesus really wanted us to become like one of them. Until some incidents in my life made me understand…

Once while I was traveling in the Delhi metro train I was caught by an innocent act of a child. As I got out of the train and walked into the escalator a tiny hand grabbed one of my fingers. The kid was holding his mother’s hand on the other but needed another hand to hold less he falls off. My hand happened to be the nearest support he could reach out to. So natural was the child’s action that he didn’t bother to look up at me to see who I was! All those time even the mother didn’t notice what was going on. While I was still amazed at what had just happened, the kid walked out of the escalator with his mother letting go of my finger without even a glance at me! That moment stayed with me till today. What struck me was the sense of universality in the mind of the child. The child didn’t know me. By sheer chance I happened to stepped in to give him the support he needed there and then. To the child the incident would not have meant anything new, but I learned something extraordinary. It was one moment that reminded me of the simplicity in children which Jesus talked about.

When my daughter was born in November of 2010, she instantly became the center of attraction and the topic of all talks. Everything seems to revolve round her! It was such a joy to behold her then as it is now also. And back then, I have to admit, the little fragile being commanded all my attentions like some kind of a magnetic force! As I cuddled her and look closely at her she would utter some unintelligible noises as if talking to me. But I knew she’s too young to even know who I was at that stage. I was just anybody to her. Yet I loved her for that too! She’d go to everyone or smile at anyone. She’d even smile while sleeping! Sometimes I fear to think that someday even my child would grow to understand the world we live in and comprehend the complexities around her. And that the innocence in her would go.

It is a pity that we have to lose so many qualities of a child as we grow up. From the simple innocence to humbly ‘forgive and forget’ attitude of the child, we somehow have laid them in the past as if they belong only to childhood! Sometimes as we progress in life we are stuffed with foreign things that we forget to nurture what was instilled in us originally. Yet, Jesus wants us to become the children we used to be. Ravi Zacharias, in his book Recapture the Wonder (2003), laments the lost of childhood innocence like this, “The tragedy of growing up is not that we lose childishness in its simplicity but that we lose childlikeness in its sublimity”. We do not like to see an adult being childish for its connotation with the negative values, but we love the childlike ease in a person for it brings out the innocence of the person. Much of what the world has to offer us will distance us from the true values that God has bestowed on us. Yet, what we’ve accumulated for ourselves may not give us the chance to see eternal life in heaven. Therefore, I think it is good to be reminded that unless we change and become like children we cannot hope to see the glory of God. This, in other words, require a lot of unlearning of the worldly things, which is by no means an easy task! If we want to see perfection, or something close to it, perhaps we should seek the company of children and understand the universality of their language.

A Post-Christmas Musing

Another year has come to an end. Another Christmas is behind us. Has this Christmas been any different from the ones gone before it? Or is there anything new at all to learn of Christmas? Each year, there's the ritual of enacting the nativity scene at churches, retelling the story of the birth of Jesus and then feast after feast! I'm sure for most of us, the message of Christmas is a stale one. Perhaps, there is more excitement on what would be the menu for the feasts, how to decorate the Christmas tree better, and friends and families to catch up on, rather than celebrate the birth of our Saviour. To make things worse, by writing another piece on Christmas, even after Christmas, I'm giving you an overdose of it! But bear with me, and allow me to take this opportunity to narrate something I've learned just recently. At a Bible study group some weeks before Christmas, I was hit by the question, “What is your worldview of Christmas?” Now, that, I thought, was something to think about. After all, Christmas symbolizes God coming to dwell with human beings – the end of men's wait for the Messiah and the beginning of a new era. Undeniably, we all have our 'worldview' on virtually every topic on earth, whether we realize it or not, from political to sports to social to economic issues. But, as Christians, it is pertinent to ask, “Is my worldview Biblical?”

For many Christmases, it never dawned on me that I may have constructed a different kind of a Christmas story from all the influences I have had since my childhood days. The Christmas cards, the Sunday school stories, picture books, etc. paints different pictures of the story of the birth of Jesus Christ and they certainly influence us. As children those things were quite helpful in making us understand the Christmas story in some ways. The problem, however, is that we have not grown beyond such stories. Somehow, we assume that there's nothing more to learn of the Christmas story. But if we closely look into the biblical narrative of Jesus' birth, many of what we believe could be wrong or ill-supposed. Take, for instance, the classic Christmas card image that shows the newborn Jesus placed naked on the feeding trough (manger) in a brightly lit cosy stable, the Magi with their exotic gifts, the shepherds staring at the baby in wonder, Mary and Joseph with a contended look and the animals at the shelter peeping at the strange event. And yes, the star that guided the Magi shining bright above them and the heavenly choir of angels swarming the scene! That is, indeed, a fairy tale picture. And we thought that was really the scenario.

Unfortunately, that is a very flawed depiction of the birth of Christ. First of all, the bare baby on a manger would never be an accurate picture. The Bible mentions that “She (Mary) wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger” (Luke 2: 7). Who would have imagined a newborn baby to be placed half-naked on a cold winter night, that too on a bed of straw? Secondly, unlike the cosy scene of the stable, it would have been a dark, dirty and deserted place. Because of the pictorial depiction of baby Jesus on a feeding trough of wood, we thought that was the manger. However, commentary points out that stables are often caves with feeding troughs carved out of rock walls, which are also used to feed wild animals. The scene could have been on the outskirt of the town vicinity, somewhere where harsh wind blow. Joseph and Mary must have tried hard to keep themselves warm. Now, that would not be a pleasant picture for Christmas card. The first place to introduce our Lord Jesus was somewhere no one would expect. No wonder, the Jews couldn't digest the fact that their Messiah could be born so lowly. Some may wonder, “What could have driven Joseph and Mary to the fringe of Bethlehem?” The mention that they could not find room in the inn also suggest that the little town of Bethlehem could have been buzzing with people around that time, as people like them would have come from different places to register in the census according to the decree by Caesar (Luke 2: 1-3). Poor people like them would obviously be out of favour when there were limited rooms. Besides, the late arrival because of Mary's pregnancy might also made them run out of luck in finding a suitable place. The uninhabited animal shelter house seems to be the only option for them. And by the way, there is no mention of cattle in the stable. Most likely Joseph and Mary found it suitable because it was deserted by animals.

Thirdly, the Magi didn't visit baby Jesus at the manger unlike popular belief. Matthew 2: 11 says, “On coming to the house, they (the Magi) saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshipped him...” (Note that it was a 'house' not a 'stable') When the Magi came visiting Jesus was most likely 2 (two) years of age or little lesser, as commentary suggested. Thus, Herod's order “to kill all they boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under” (Matt. 2: 16) was also based on the information given him by the Magi. Jesus and parents probably moved into a proper 'house', suggesting that they might have even thought of settling down in Bethlehem, after all it was Joseph's hometown. Besides, the Magi weren't kings, as many would have believed, and we don't even know how many there were or where they were from. At best, identifying them as 'wise men from the east' could be the closest interpretation. They could have been Jewish remnants of the Babylonian exile, or they could have astrologers or scholars of ancient manuscript, or even could be from different lands. However, the identification of the three gifts heightened the belief that there might have been three of them. But there could have been more gifts and the mention of only three could have been Matthew's purpose to symbolize Christ's identity and what he would accomplish – gold for royalty, incense for priesthood and myrrh, a spice to be used in death.

And though we would have imagined Joseph and Mary to be happy at the birth of Jesus, I wonder if their happiness would have lasted. Sooner, the reality of having to bring their first-born child into the world as would an animal surely would have brought many questions to their minds. Why would God want his Son to be born in a forsaken edge of the world? Wouldn't he have provided somewhere more humane at least to usher in the Saviour of the world? Did Mary imagined that the special child promised by the Holy Spirit would be born that way? Did Joseph began to doubt the dream he dreamt? For most part of my life, the picture of the brightly lit cosy stable has been the picture of Christmas in my mind. And all the wonderfully decorated nativity scene enacted everywhere during Christmas season boosted that mindset. Today, Christmas is more of commercial than spiritual celebration, especially in big towns and cities. Everybody celebrates Christmas. But for most people, it is about installing beautifully decorated Christmas tree and Santa Claus with his white beard and red clothes. Jesus, the reason for Christmas, is nowhere near the scene. That is something to be bothered. If we let non-Christians get away by thinking that Christmas is about the brightly-lit-Christmas-tree and the gift-giving-Santa-Claus, then we're failing as a Christian! But before we get into that we need to get the Christmas story 'right'.

Is Christmas something of importance to you? If yes, what is the source of your Christmas story? Is it the Sunday school narratives or the story which the pastor once told on Christmas or the Christmas card pictures or the nativity scene enacted somewhere or the Bible? The Bible is the only authentic source of the story of Jesus. It is important that we read it and try to understand it for all its worth. What we hear may not always be the 'right' story, we need to verify its truth from the Bible. Often we only scheme through it and not study it. That is a problem. If we want to live a fruitful Christian life, we ought to carefully observe what is written in the Bible and apply it into our lives.

That said, however, it is difficult to get the whole picture of the birth of Jesus because the Bible didn't record the entire narrative. It is, then, left for our imagination to fill those gaps. And that is very challenging. Because we may not get the accurate picture. It is understandable that all the pictorial depictions of the biblical narratives are creatively done, but they may also be not all 'rightly' done, like the Magi visiting the baby Jesus at the manger. Now, I'm not trying to condemn all the picture story books on Christmas or even other stories of the Bible. All I'm concerned is what kind of sources inform you about the various stories. Do we accept the story of Jesus' birth as enacted somewhere or do we look into the Bible to see what's written? The untold stories of Jesus' growing up years could be a good storyline for some to recreate, but it could become heretic if we don't study biblical history properly. We all bear testimony of our Christian life wherever we are. Therefore, we ought to be responsible people. As a parent, I've realized that I need to be more aware of what kinds of information gets passed on to my daughter. Often I get tempted to pick any nice-looking book without looking into what could be the motive within. But that would be a mistake. My experience is that a child's mind is like a sponge, it can absorb everything. So also, how we tell Bible stories to children becomes a matter of importance. We all are living proof of that. Part of growing up in life is also to 'unlearn' many things. Though we've just celebrated Christmas, perhaps we could just re-read the first two chapters of Matthew and Luke and see if your 'worldview' of Christmas is in tune with the Biblical narrative.

Who says boys don’t cook?

This article is not something on ‘cooking’ as some may have thought on seeing the title. On the contrary, this piece of writing intends to question some of the stereotypes in the largely Christianized Naga society that are carried forward without qualms as they are deeply imbibed in our culture. Like the notion that matter of the kitchen is a woman’s job alone. At times, we love our culture too much that we fail to do what is right in the eyes of God. Though there are many examples that can be considered, I shall only take ‘cooking’ as a metaphor to understand why the denial of ‘equality’ to women in our everyday activities is a denial of justice to a person ‘created’ in God’s own image.

Once I came across a girl who said, “You know, I used to hear that my brother cooks really well, but ever since I started staying with him he has not bothered to step into the kitchen!” Of course, the brother had the excuse of holding a job besides being the older sibling. But raised in typical patriarchal set up like ours, it becomes unimaginable for boys to be in the kitchen when girls are around. Boys’ business seems to be sporting around the whole day and ordering for food the moment they step into the house with a hungry stomach. The girls are expected to take care of all the nerve breaking in-and-around-the-house chores with their mothers as though they were just born to do that. How often do we overlook the burden of women?

However, there is huge visible change once boys and girls step outside of their homes, for studies and other purposes. (I take my experience of staying in Delhi as a reference point). But like acquired habits that die hard there is the tendency for boys to fall back to the system of letting-the-sisters-do-all while they laze around. The level of reluctance is higher with boys staying with sisters. The instance mentioned above can be taken as an illustration. Our boys are a spoiled lot. And often, girls have joined in to spoil them too, sadly. How? Often when we just don the cultural mental without inquiring its validity with the changing times, we are blinded from seeing what is ‘right’. We need to be able to look beyond ‘culture and tradition’ as they are not absolutes but subject to change with times since they are also mere human inventions established to suit certain period in the past. Their relevance need to be probed if we want to see an unbiased society. One good way to start with is at home.

The saying “Charity begins at home” is a hackneyed old adage that we don’t really care about its meaning today. Yet, we can draw wonderful inspirations from it in our daily walk of life. Study says that children who grow up in violent homes become more violent later in life. And most often, stereotypes are first acquired at home; a boy who never see his father do household chores or step into the kitchen will grow up with such mentality. Sometimes, we don’t allow our children to grow up with the actual potentials in them. We always try to ‘make’ something out of them; girls have to be these, boys have to be that, etc. So much so that we reduce our girls to be feeble, docile, fearful, etc. while boys are taught to be tough, rough, fearless, etc. There is nothing wrong in girls climbing trees or boys fetching water for the kitchen. Yet, a girl who is tomboyish is still befriended but loathes a boy who is sissy! Somehow our society has created a deep divide out of what ‘should’ be for boys and girls that we have lost the ‘right’ sense.

We all know that mannerisms acquired within the home are displayed in the open. Or in other words, you become what you are taught to be. So often I feel saddened to see many women think so lowly of themselves, especially among non-educated village folks. But then, I also realize that it is not them but the society that has made them the way they are. In most homes even today, the boys are placed at an advantage in everything. From the dining table to the school. Just scan around, most men in our society who are standing tall today in various fields have attained that status of sacrifices of their sisters. It may sound contemptuous but it’s true. Yet, we see only the glory of the men and not the sweats of women. I can most assuredly say that if those women who toil in the fields back home were given the opportunity to go to schools like their brothers they would be seeing glory today!

Having mentioned the shortcomings in our society, there are things interesting also. We also have a wonderful tradition. In times of feast it is the men who take more responsibility in cooking large pots, and even serve. How more wonderful it would be if we could also translate that into our homes and ‘share’ responsibilities in the kitchen too! Yet, ours isn’t the only society that needs to re-think. It’s ‘advantage men’ in most societies. Often, outside of home the most visible ‘chefs’ are men, and yet, at home we designate women as ‘cooks’! That itself shows the extent of how reluctant we are to allow women to take the place of honour. If women are masters of the kitchen, they should be crowned ‘chefs’ of all mankind!

The way I see it, the challenge for our generation is enormous when it comes to striving for equality. We talk so much of ‘justice’ and pray that it is achieved in the world. But have we forgotten that ‘justice’ should first prevail at home? And it makes more sense that a society like ours that claim to be ‘Christian’ by persuasion, heed the Bible and treat both male and female alike because they are both ‘created in the image of God’. If our culture and tradition has handed down to us a system that does not place men and women at equal footing, we need to rectify it and do the ‘right’ thing. Christian families should take the lead in facilitating ‘equality’ at home by treating both boys and girls at par in everything. The words we use, the objects we offer and the action we commit to our children becomes the hallmark of ushering ‘justice’ to prevail at home and the world.


(An earlier version of this article appeared in 2012 DZIILA anniversary issue of PBCD and Eastern Mirror newspaper, August 2012)

‘Standby’ Kids: The case for the ‘Lesser’ Children

In a football team, there are players earmarked to be on the bench as ‘standbys’ or ‘substitutes’ who will only get the chance to play if and only if some players in the first line up are injured or retired due to problems. However expert they may be as players, they may never get the chance to play, not only in a match but the entire season even! Sometimes, preference from the managerial team or coach can result in the formation of ‘substitutes’. And so at times, some players on the bench might sulk for not letting them play because they feel as capable and fit as the ones on the field.

Now, I’d like to take this analogy and match it with the nature of family in our social context (reflections are on the Naga 'Christian' society, in particular). Our family structure, if we critically assess it, is so much like the football team. I know this might even cause to raise eyebrows but allow me to make my arguments. Like the football team, there is occurrence of this kind of sidelining of children as if they are mere ‘standbys’ or ‘substitutes’ (pardon me if my words seems ‘too strong’) who might never get the chance to play as the ‘real’ child, and therefore the problematic presence of ‘preferences’ in the family itself! Some children feel less loved than others. And thereby, the development of some complexes in some children that made them think that they are somehow the ‘lesser’ children of the family.

There’s so much of irrationality that operates in the system that needs to be brought to the fore so that good reason takes its rightful place. What I’m about to suggest here is that we re-examine some attitudes that has taken a deep inroad into our society causing serious stumbling blocks for a better quality of life. There is a sense of unequal treatment in the family too, not necessarily in the form of ill-treatment through physical abuse but by being untreated or unattended to. I can identify two areas that lead to the constitution of what I call the ‘standby’ kids.

On the waiting list:

Oftentimes, I’ve overheard parents saying that they need ‘more’ children ‘in case’ something happens to any of the children. This is more often heard when they have a single child or fewer children. In other words, what they really mean to say is that they want to keep some children as ‘standby’ children lest, God forbid, some tragedy, like death of a child, befalls on the family. And therefore, a cause of large families. While I’m not in any way against family with many children if the family really desires to have and provided they have the required resources to manage the family by providing descent livelihood to all its members, I’m of the opinion that there is a need to consider the family life in proportion to the economic viability of the family. Children are not like material things that you can discard one for the other. Expansion of family size for fear of lost of children ‘prematurely’ or for want of more ‘boys’ is only a matter of ruining the prospect of the family condition. After all, we’re not the author of life. It’s all up to the One above, the Almighty, to decide who should live how long! But God has given each individual the intelligence to analyze each condition and make wise choices even in the matter of family planning.

The ‘girly’ matter:

Another way to tackle over-sized family is to fight for an equal status of boys and girls, starting from within the family. I’m sure there won’t be debates here even if I put it bluntly that one major reason for unnecessary expansion of family is the ‘preference’ for boys over girls. We’re still plagued by the mentality of ‘boys are boys’ like every patriarchal society. But this mentality is primarily due to the value labeled on the two sexes. Boys are considered the pride to the family, the one who will carry on the family bloodline, whereas, girls are treated as mere agents in serving the purpose of the male legacy. Many a time, there is also an unholy encouragement from the clansmen to increase its fold by saying “we’re from a small clan, we need to increase our numbers”. To them I say: “Are we still waging clans’ war that we should treat our children as walls of defense?” This isn’t the time of taking pride in belonging to the biggest clan, village, tribe, etc. Since we live in a patriarchal setting, too little of this issue has been addressed. And unfortunately, there are lots of ‘educated’ ones who still chose to be silent on this subject though it is a clear form of inequality. It should be taken as a subject of urgent need.

Points to ponder before taking the plunge:

In a society like ours where many families are still dependent on full time agricultural works, a thoughtful consideration on the size of family is crucial for economic reasons. Once upon a time, large families might have served a good purpose because, for good or bad, everyone would end up being farmers. More children means more hands, they said. But with the same logic, it is also true that more children means more mouths to feed! Unlike those days, now agriculture is not the only profession available, there are ample avenues to venture into, thanks to opportunities. And since education is a must to find place in this modern time, our perspectives need to change. Bigger families tend to lack behind when it comes to provision of education to their children.

And the fallout of the dilemma faced by family with disproportionate source of income is that there are unavoidable preferences on who should go to school since the family cannot support every child and so the ‘not so bright’ ones gets left out. Though these kids considered ‘not so bright’ might be excelling in other activities, their talents are overlooked. It should also be seen here that the term ‘bright’ is qualified only with the bookish knowledge and hence, an additional sidelining of those that are talented in other fields. And it is possible that these ‘neglected’ children want to, at times, play the spoilsport! Perhaps, even some readers reading this article could relate to this because, if the truth be told, many are born into those conditions!

Agriculture or farming bear its fruit of hard labour in a year’s time, but education is not so. Education requires a long time investment in financial terms. Inability to find adequate financial support is one main reason for the high number of school and college drop outs, not because the concerned kids chose to but to make way for first born(s) to take the privilege. And at times, it’s sad to see meritorious students being compelled to give up studies because of family financial conditions. Our design of family leads to rise of various unwanted situations in our society. A family that is not able to meet the requirements or needs of the children only paves way for undesirable conditions of poverty, which in turn leads to inability to provide basic education and thereby encouraging a vicious cycle of an all round underdevelopment. One should know that developing a healthy human lifestyle is very essential in as much as we need cleaner environment and infrastructural development for our society.

Hope for the future:

We’re a new generation. Gone are the stories that told us that we need to expand and populate the land. But look around what would the next generation after us feed on? Now, we should be able to tell new stories; stories that will encompass hope for a healthy future. Should the old prejudices and biases still fill our imagination? Change in our perspective is what we need to advocate. We’re now a dominantly Christian society, though we still find few pockets of people who haven’t turned to Christianity. But if we look around, many decades of being Christians seems to have done too little good. We’re still too stubbornly holding on to our old worldview as when we were non-Christians. I do not say that there is no change at all; there are few visible ones. And sometimes, I feel if we are even growing to build dividing walls instead of breaking them down. Our old parochial understanding of the world should be ripped apart that we can see beyond our own little domain of the village walls.

(Published in Morung Express, 12 January 2015. An earlier version of this article was first published in 2009 annual magazine of DZIILA, a publication of PBCD)

http://morungexpress.com/standby-kids-the-case-for-the-lesser-children/