‘Standby’ Kids: The case for the ‘Lesser’ Children

In a football team, there are players earmarked to be on the bench as ‘standbys’ or ‘substitutes’ who will only get the chance to play if and only if some players in the first line up are injured or retired due to problems. However expert they may be as players, they may never get the chance to play, not only in a match but the entire season even! Sometimes, preference from the managerial team or coach can result in the formation of ‘substitutes’. And so at times, some players on the bench might sulk for not letting them play because they feel as capable and fit as the ones on the field.

Now, I’d like to take this analogy and match it with the nature of family in our social context (reflections are on the Naga 'Christian' society, in particular). Our family structure, if we critically assess it, is so much like the football team. I know this might even cause to raise eyebrows but allow me to make my arguments. Like the football team, there is occurrence of this kind of sidelining of children as if they are mere ‘standbys’ or ‘substitutes’ (pardon me if my words seems ‘too strong’) who might never get the chance to play as the ‘real’ child, and therefore the problematic presence of ‘preferences’ in the family itself! Some children feel less loved than others. And thereby, the development of some complexes in some children that made them think that they are somehow the ‘lesser’ children of the family.

There’s so much of irrationality that operates in the system that needs to be brought to the fore so that good reason takes its rightful place. What I’m about to suggest here is that we re-examine some attitudes that has taken a deep inroad into our society causing serious stumbling blocks for a better quality of life. There is a sense of unequal treatment in the family too, not necessarily in the form of ill-treatment through physical abuse but by being untreated or unattended to. I can identify two areas that lead to the constitution of what I call the ‘standby’ kids.

On the waiting list:

Oftentimes, I’ve overheard parents saying that they need ‘more’ children ‘in case’ something happens to any of the children. This is more often heard when they have a single child or fewer children. In other words, what they really mean to say is that they want to keep some children as ‘standby’ children lest, God forbid, some tragedy, like death of a child, befalls on the family. And therefore, a cause of large families. While I’m not in any way against family with many children if the family really desires to have and provided they have the required resources to manage the family by providing descent livelihood to all its members, I’m of the opinion that there is a need to consider the family life in proportion to the economic viability of the family. Children are not like material things that you can discard one for the other. Expansion of family size for fear of lost of children ‘prematurely’ or for want of more ‘boys’ is only a matter of ruining the prospect of the family condition. After all, we’re not the author of life. It’s all up to the One above, the Almighty, to decide who should live how long! But God has given each individual the intelligence to analyze each condition and make wise choices even in the matter of family planning.

The ‘girly’ matter:

Another way to tackle over-sized family is to fight for an equal status of boys and girls, starting from within the family. I’m sure there won’t be debates here even if I put it bluntly that one major reason for unnecessary expansion of family is the ‘preference’ for boys over girls. We’re still plagued by the mentality of ‘boys are boys’ like every patriarchal society. But this mentality is primarily due to the value labeled on the two sexes. Boys are considered the pride to the family, the one who will carry on the family bloodline, whereas, girls are treated as mere agents in serving the purpose of the male legacy. Many a time, there is also an unholy encouragement from the clansmen to increase its fold by saying “we’re from a small clan, we need to increase our numbers”. To them I say: “Are we still waging clans’ war that we should treat our children as walls of defense?” This isn’t the time of taking pride in belonging to the biggest clan, village, tribe, etc. Since we live in a patriarchal setting, too little of this issue has been addressed. And unfortunately, there are lots of ‘educated’ ones who still chose to be silent on this subject though it is a clear form of inequality. It should be taken as a subject of urgent need.

Points to ponder before taking the plunge:

In a society like ours where many families are still dependent on full time agricultural works, a thoughtful consideration on the size of family is crucial for economic reasons. Once upon a time, large families might have served a good purpose because, for good or bad, everyone would end up being farmers. More children means more hands, they said. But with the same logic, it is also true that more children means more mouths to feed! Unlike those days, now agriculture is not the only profession available, there are ample avenues to venture into, thanks to opportunities. And since education is a must to find place in this modern time, our perspectives need to change. Bigger families tend to lack behind when it comes to provision of education to their children.

And the fallout of the dilemma faced by family with disproportionate source of income is that there are unavoidable preferences on who should go to school since the family cannot support every child and so the ‘not so bright’ ones gets left out. Though these kids considered ‘not so bright’ might be excelling in other activities, their talents are overlooked. It should also be seen here that the term ‘bright’ is qualified only with the bookish knowledge and hence, an additional sidelining of those that are talented in other fields. And it is possible that these ‘neglected’ children want to, at times, play the spoilsport! Perhaps, even some readers reading this article could relate to this because, if the truth be told, many are born into those conditions!

Agriculture or farming bear its fruit of hard labour in a year’s time, but education is not so. Education requires a long time investment in financial terms. Inability to find adequate financial support is one main reason for the high number of school and college drop outs, not because the concerned kids chose to but to make way for first born(s) to take the privilege. And at times, it’s sad to see meritorious students being compelled to give up studies because of family financial conditions. Our design of family leads to rise of various unwanted situations in our society. A family that is not able to meet the requirements or needs of the children only paves way for undesirable conditions of poverty, which in turn leads to inability to provide basic education and thereby encouraging a vicious cycle of an all round underdevelopment. One should know that developing a healthy human lifestyle is very essential in as much as we need cleaner environment and infrastructural development for our society.

Hope for the future:

We’re a new generation. Gone are the stories that told us that we need to expand and populate the land. But look around what would the next generation after us feed on? Now, we should be able to tell new stories; stories that will encompass hope for a healthy future. Should the old prejudices and biases still fill our imagination? Change in our perspective is what we need to advocate. We’re now a dominantly Christian society, though we still find few pockets of people who haven’t turned to Christianity. But if we look around, many decades of being Christians seems to have done too little good. We’re still too stubbornly holding on to our old worldview as when we were non-Christians. I do not say that there is no change at all; there are few visible ones. And sometimes, I feel if we are even growing to build dividing walls instead of breaking them down. Our old parochial understanding of the world should be ripped apart that we can see beyond our own little domain of the village walls.

(Published in Morung Express, 12 January 2015. An earlier version of this article was first published in 2009 annual magazine of DZIILA, a publication of PBCD)

http://morungexpress.com/standby-kids-the-case-for-the-lesser-children/